Dear Beyoncé...

Dear Beyoncé...
Dear Beyoncé,

I've written you a letter. I've heard that you struggle to read as a result of the lace-front glue you use for your wigs eating at your brain; so you may want to pass this to Solange, Baby Daniel Julez, Angela or the Jigga man so they can read it to you.

I have to draw a line. I want more from you. You give us a lot, but I still want more. Your albums are all dusty. I need a classic album from you, because you've yet to drop one, and I know you're capable. Dangerously in love was a mess. B'Day was just 12 tracks of hand claps and cowbells. And I am... Sasha Fierce was just some unnecessarily divided bullshit. Your I am... disc was supposed to be some deep personal shit that showed us the real Beyoncé (whoever she is). But all it showed me was that you could scream slowly over guitars and strings instead of kicks, basslines and hand claps. The only risk you took with this album was to include "Smash into you" in the hopes nobody would notice you didn't write the song despite the inlay claiming you did. (Your risk didn't pay off. We found out).

Which leads me onto something I have to ask you about: How many songs are you going to claim you wrote, when you actually didn't? Did you really expect anybody to believe you wrote "Silent night"? I damn near collapsed when I saw Written by B. Knowles in the 8 days of Christmas inlay. And before you try and say it isn't so - Don't. I have the album RIGHT here. I scanned the damn thing and saved it to 3 different computers and 2 encrypted USB keys in case the album is no longer in print, and Mathew Knowles wants to send men in black to my house to kill me and dispose of the incriminating inlay. Just because you add 2 extra notes and elongate the word "born", it does not mean you wrote it. I crossed your name out in respect of whoever did.

Before you throw a hissy at my letter, I just want you to know that I love you. I love your thick thighs, your voice, and your weaves and lace fronts that have you looking like Cousin Itt in Gucci heels from The Addams family. I'll always support you. I have all of Destiny's child's albums, all of your solo albums, I've seen you in concert; I even put money into Music World by buying Solange, Michelle and Kelly's flop albums. You know them 13 copies that collectively make up Solange, Michelle and Kelly's worldwide album sales: 7 of them are mine. I roll deep for Beyoncé. REAL deep. Even if you had 2 kids, failed to look after them properly, shaved off your own hair, and then got out of Escalades with your vagina hanging out - I'd still stan for you and blame the crazy on your Daddy. So I'm writing this letter to you in the hopes that I can upgrade you. Or that you'll divorce Jay-Z and upgrade me. My car tax is due next month and my ass is really really broke.

Take care Beyoncé. Love ya!

- J

2 comments:

  1. Just because you add 2 extra notes and elongate the word "born", it does not mean you wrote it.

    LOL! I still can't believe that shit! XD She must think her fans are dumb as hell, or maybe she's just delusional and she really thought she wrote "Silent Night". I'm not sure.

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  2. "Even if you had 2 kids, failed to look after them properly, shaved off your own hair, and then got out of Escalades with your vagina hanging out - I'd still stan for you and blame the crazy on your Daddy" LMAO! (BRITNEY RULES!)
    This post made me laugh, i love your letter to people lol
    But tbh i'm on the opposite side i wish she'd GO AWAY even if only for a week! she's just as bad as Gaga neither can take any time off and would rather continually bombard us with same old sounding crap than take a decent break and come with a fresh album :P

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