VMA 2013: The performances

So, the VMA's took place in Brooklyn last night and a bevy of today's biggest stars took to the stage of the Barclays center to show the world why they deserve to go home with your faves' moon men and why you should buy their new albums and fuck everybody else's.

Hit the jump to view some of the performances of the night. If you are viewing this post from outside of the US you won't be able to see shit because of geo user restrictions on the content. I usually avoid using MTV's embeds because of this very reason, but there is no point in me scouring YouTube for videos which will get pulled down and become unavailable within seconds.

Lady Gaga's performance started off a little ropey. As is always the case, she did too much. But I guess it wouldn't be a Lady Gaga performance unless she did. But once "Applause" got going she put on a good performance. The choreography wasn't all that tight and it did feel a bit too messy at times with Gaga flailing her way through the routine, barely hitting her marks, just about singing and throwing her wigs around the stage - but the concept and live costume changes were a great touch. Despite so much going on, by Gaga standards this was a pretty simple and low key performance, which was all the better for it.

Justin Timberlake was due to be presented with the Video vanguard award, so he pulled out all of the stops by taking everybody on a trip through memory lane, performing a 12 hour medley which ran through all of hits, including those with 'NSync - for which he brought out his former band members to perform cut down versions of "Girlfriend" and "Bye bye bye". Lance, Joey and Chris did not look ready for this shit. But JC sure as hell did. That guy had been waiting for his phone to pop off for this moment ever since his debut album peaked at number 17 on the charts and Jive dropped him 10 years ago. This whole damn thing was like the Destiny's Child Super Bowl reunion all over again. JC's microphone level was dropped so low that you couldn't hear him for shit and we know that dude can SANG. And once the 'NSync segment was done, JT ushered his boys off the stage so he could get back to plugging his solo shit and keep it moving with songs from The 20 / 20 experience. But not before JC Chasez belted out a final run into the microphone in a fleeting moment of trying to secure some type of record deal.

Many of us snoozed over this performance because it didn't feature a load of pyrotechnics, or Disney graduates trying to 'twerk' and prove their ghetto credibility. This is a shame, because the message behind this song is a positive one and if there's one thing which we don't get enough of in mainstream pop right now it's positive messages which go beyond 'Let's have a good time in the club and go get drunk on some Grey goose'. "Same love" is a song about the legalization of same sex marriages, which Mackelmore wrote in inspiration of his gay uncle who has been with his boyfriend for Donkey's years and not been able to marry him. Part of me thinks that perhaps the VMA's wasn't the place for this, as the message would be dismissed and not be taken seriously. Whilst a part of me thinks that if you're going to perform a song advocating a cause you believe in, then there's no bigger stage to do it on than at an MTV event which is broadcast around the world. Mackelmore suddenly getting all serious and shit after releasing a song and buying buying cheap fur coats in a thrift store may be difficult to take, but I commend him and Ryan Lewis for stepping out and performing this song and also for Jennifer Hudson being a part of it. If only black male artists in Hip-hop could put their street cred aside for a second and be brave enough to rap about this type of shit. But I don't think the game is quite there yet. It's closer than it was before, but it's not quite there.

I have a love / hate relationship with Miley's "We can't stop". The video is a complete mess which I watched once and had to book me an online Baptism with some Nigerian minister in North London to cleanse my mind of it. But the song is okay. Miley trying to be Rihanna aside, it's an alright song with potential. This performance of it however did it no justice. Miley came out on stage looking like Cynthia from the Rugrats and then proceeded to do obscene things with a foam finger - which included (but was not limited to) fingering herself, fingering herself and then fingering herself a bit more. Then Robin Thicke came out looking like a sex referee to perform his hit "Blurred lines", which is when Miley then brought out the foam finger again to touch Robin's penis...multiple times. This dude must be desperate to stay on the hits wagon, because publicity is the only reason I can think of as to why a grown ass married man with a child would have agreed to being a part of this Miley mess. Either that, or...

a) Pharrell asked Robin to do it as a favour
b) Miley harassed Robin into it once she found out that Robin was rolling with 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar. 'Cos we know how Miley be about that hood dick now.

Everything about this performance was classless. It would be so much easier to take Miley seriously if she just stopped trying so hard to be the skanky bad girl. It is possible to be edgy and cool without flashing your pussy and arching your back at every opportunity to do what is most certainly not twerking.

Drake saw it fit to prance around a stage in a bulletproof vest. Homie, the game ain't putting no mark on you like that. It is not 1997. His performance did have a rather pignent moment when he recreated his album cover live. Bringing to life with a blink and a lick of dem lips. You know yo' ass would. Yes, you know what I'm talkin' about.

Not only did Katy Perry jack Sara Bareilles' song, but she also ripped off J.Lo's 2009 AMA performance. I was sat watching this mess hoping Katy would faithfully rip off J.Lo's performance down to when she fell down on her arse, but that would require movement and Katy moves about on stage as much as a Fender amplifier. "Roar" is rubbish. Nothing anybody can say to me will make me like it. Her potential next single 90's Euro stomper "Walking on air" on the other hand, sounds hot. I wish somebody had A&R'd the damn thing for Namie or Crystal Kay though.

And there we have it. Another year of hot mess performances, spectacles and losses of sanity on stage, all courtesy of MTV.


  1. Miley Cyrus needs to take notes on Adele (bitch please this girl is pretty edgy, she may be singing about her goddamn stereotypical diary about being a miserable White girl in the United Kingdom but at least she keeps it forreal) and Namie Amuro (werking that emotionless face for Yens) on how to be edgy without giving a fuck about being edgy.

  2. I didn't know that's who Mackelmore was.

    When Justin said, "You Asked For It", it sounded like he was saying, "This Is Your Fault."

    Why did Jennifer Hudson feel the need to steal they fat chick's shine?

    Why does Mackelmore keep big people in his choruses?

    With Drake, my arse WOULD NAWT. ('-')

    Like somebody at work said. He looks like a pudgy Guido.
    And just now watching that clip was the first time hearing that started at the bottom song. Da fuq if it don't suck tig ol' bitties.

    Katy Perry and Lady Gaga need no comment. My trashcan is full.

    And Drake needs to stop putting clothes on. He never gets it right.

    Miley Cyrus.... I was uncomfortable. And do were her chicken butt cheeks.

  3. I was watching that miley performance wit my wtf!? face the entire time. She DEAD ass wrong for that one. This trick need to take a rhythm class and How to Keep It Real 101... and that air humping just...no. I just about died when she turned around and those two pancakes she calls an ass was just hanging on for dear life in those tight ass shorts.... I felt second hand embarrassment for her. RIhanna's and No Direction faces were priceless tho.
    And lol at JC, ole boy is still thirsty for that fame. I just about died when he had to ab lib when the song was already over. JC was definitely prepared for this moment before the call was even made.


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