The VMA's '09: The red carpet

Check out the stars' wears after the jump. Complete with some hot looks, doo-doo looks, zero effort looks, chicks looking like n***a's, 'I don't have a clue how to dress my arse' looks, a pit stain and a Lady Gaga dressed like she's gone gaga. Roll on the freak show...

All I can see is Akon's teeth, handkerchief and shirt. God help finding him in the venue when the lights are down. He'd have to wave his iPhone in the air with the screen active and on brightness level 5 like he's trying to get a signal before anybody would notice him. He looked much more sauave and like he made an effort than his signee Sean Kingston did though. He looked a mess. The kid just wears shit that is like 4 sizes bigger than it needs to be. I know Sean Kingston is a big lad. But his clothes make him look even heftier than he is. He shouldn't be estranged from stuff that actually fits properly and a nice suit. Akon needs to teach a brotha.

Whoops! Both chicks rocked the same out fit on the same night. A lady's worst nightmare. A chick would normally eyeball her copy-catting bitch and feel like dying in moments like this. But we're dealing with 2 grown ass, confident women here. So both ladies didn't care, and laughed about it when they bumped into one another. If I had to choose who rocked it best, I'd go with P!nk. She just has the edge purely because she's P!nk.

Kimora Lee loves her a n***a with money. Then again, who doesn't? Kimora is alotta woman. She must be part Amazonian. She has to be. I'm nto sure what to think of Kimora. I see her in one shot and she looks stunning. I see her in another and she looks like a Cabbage patch doll. Another lady who once dated a n***a rolling in money and with a record label J.Lo was looking rather odd to say the least. She looked like she had the intention of cosplaying as Christie Montiero from Tekken, but gave up half way and just chucked on a dress.

KID CUDI!! He could've smartened his look up a little. Even if he went geeked out with a suit, some Urkel glasses and a pair of hi-top Converse. Sure, I would've cussed him out if it looked hideously stupid. But I would've acknowledged the effort. I'm in love with Kid Cudi right now. His debut album is the hottest thing I've heard in a while. So actually, he can wear what the fack he likes. He didn't 'plus 1' as fellow new rapper on the scene Asher Roth did though. Asher Roth rolled up looking like a 70s's porn star, with some gal who I'm going to assume is either his weed dealer or some chick he found on a corner four blocks away.

The Dirty Cash girls best soak in this moment in the limelight. 'Cause they dodgy weaved and unflatteringly dressed asses ain't ever basking in it again. Dawn may think P. Diddy loves her now. But he'll soon stall her career like a manual car with a dodgy clutch pedal and then leave her by the side of some road somewhere.

The guy and girl who are hot enough to turn a person. Chace is one good looking guy. Sometimes, too good looking. He don't even need to make an effort. And Amerie is just sex on legs. It's rare you ever catch Amerie slippin' and looking ragged. Even with her mini pit stain she manages to look sexy and elegant. She should've used Sanex. I swear by the stuff.

Kanye and his ho Amber Rose. Sometimes I wonder if they genuinely love one another, or if the attraction is just Kanye being Kanye and Amber looking so striking and different. Amber looks like a hooker'd out mess and Kanye looks a fool with his bottle of Cognac. Who hits a red carpet with a bottle of alcohol. Seriously. I'm sure whatever it is, it's overpriced and there for no other purpose than to show he can afford it. I'm surprised he didn't throw the remainder of it in Taylor Swift's face. He may as well have. Poor girl. She has no idea that this n***a is about to make her feel like the smallest, stankiest piece of doo-doo to be pushed out of an arsehole.

Apples and oranges. Alicia's legs are THICK! I had no idea Alicia had those big ol' tree trunks of legs on her! Swizz Beatz could snack for days on those futha mucka's. Ain't nothing wrong with a thick bodied gal. Especially one as pretty and as talented as Miss Alicia Keys. Alexa Chung on the other hand just looks like a cotton swab. I don't know how she got her gig on MTV, because I don't find her funny, personable or engaging what-so-ever. She looks FRAIL. Them legs look like they're about to buckle. Power to her though. I wish I was a contributing editor of a magazine, had my own show on MTV and was dating a member of a critically and commercial acclaimed band.

It takes giving some good head to look as good as Cassie does. She's not the American dream. But a penance for girls. Showing that if you suck d**k hard and good enough, you can go places and get a record deal. I hate the frack out of Cassie's hair. But she looks hot here. Cassie can't sing, can't dance or do a great deal. But one thing she knows how to do aside from give wicked head is dress. She certainly looked hotter than Beyoncé. Who looked tired and boring. The weave was dry. The dress was dry. The make up was dry. Meh. Beyoncé of course has the last laugh. She'll still be relevant in 5 years time. Cassie won't be relevent in 5 weeks unless she releases pictures of her womb on the internet (again).

At first I wondered why the hell Aresnio Hall was attending the VMA's. And why the hell he was in drag! Turns out it's Beyonce's lil' sister. She's been catching flack for shaving her head and copying other bitches like Cassie for doing it. But I don't see the comparison. I love how Solange looks with short hair. Old skool. Natural. And a statement to black ladies that you ain't gotta rock a long weave that runs way down your back to look good. This isn't one of Solange's best fashion moments. But on a good day Solo looks hot with the short hair. Props to her for not givin' a shit. She gets an 'A' for assertiveness and confidence. I can't hate on her for that at all. Fellow artist and song writer Keri Hilson also strutted her stuff. I'd knock her ass down with the smouldering she be doing. Everything from the neck up is fly. But the outfit looks like some Rose Royce shit from the 70's. She needs a stylist PRONTO! Keri could look so much hotter than she does already if she dressed properly most of the time. MTV also seem to think every medium complexioned chick in the game looks the same. Because they tagged her pictures as "Ciara". Fools.

I HATE this look with a passion. The, "I can dress clean, look preppy, but also thug it out. All at the same time!" look. No you can't you stupid ass n***a! The look is a mess. The Dream lives by this look and I just hate it. If you're gonna go smart casual, go smart casual CORRECTLY. Balance and moderate the shit. Don't go this route unless you can pull the look off in a fashion that sells it and you have the swagger to really make it pop. Fellow TV teen drama actor Adam Brody managed to get it right with a simple suit. Tristan needs to make a note of it the next time he hits a red carpet. I wonder what the hell Adam Brody is doing with himself these days? His career pretty much died when The O.C did, along with the rest of the casts'.

Bitch is crazy. That's all I can say. Cuh-RAZY! I hope the folk who make her outfits get paid good money. Because they go all out for Lady Gaga's shit, and it always looked painfully detailed and intricate. Never by halves. One extreme to the next. The freak show is always a good one. Gotta give her that, even if you're not supporting the music. Fellow ex-crazy bitch Madonna turned up looking a bit of alright! She looked sophisticated and dressed her age for a change. Her leotard and fishnets must be in the wash. Either that or Lourdes is borrowing them for 'show and tell' at school.

And then there was Buzz Aldrin and his wife - both looking like they caught a shotgun of Botox to the face. I had to think for a second why this dude was even at the VMA's. But then it clicked. VMA's, Moon men, man on the moon. Geddit? Yah. You got there before I did.