Single review: Mariah Carey - Triumphant (Get 'em)

As soon as I'd heard Mariah's new single would feature Meek Mill and Rick Ross I knew exactly what type of song this was going to be. You knew what type of song this was going to be. But Mariah curve balled us slightly. Because I don't think anybody knew the end result would wind up being this much of a mess.

"Triumphant (Get 'em)" has to be one of the worst singles Mariah has released in her whole career. I do not want to hear anybody trash talk those Glitter singles, because "Loverboy" was the jam and "Never too far" is up there in that glass cabinet with some of Mariah's best ballads. But this brass section, farted out sounding trash is beyond the pale. This is a ghetto wreckage of a song. I could barely hear what Mariah was singing on this piece of shit. I could not for the life of me make out any hint of a chorus. And if it wasn't for the dead face of Mariah staring into my eyes the whole time I was streaming the track from her website I would have sworn it was Rick Ross & Meek Mill featuring Mariah Carey. Gurl, how the hell are you going to let yourself be reduced to a guest feature on your own comeback record? Bitch, you needs to get your shit together.

Mariah's team knew the second she pushed play on this mess that "Triumflop (Get 'em)" would not get spun as part of any playlist on pop radio, so they ordered her to put out remixes. At time of writing, 2 dance remixes to this song exist. 5 years ago this would have been seen as Mariah just being Mariah, because she used to love a dance remix. But now it comes off as a contrived and desperate attempt to appease everybody. Not a single fuck has been given by Mariah on dance remixes between Glitter and Memoirs of an imperfect angel. Yet all of a sudden she cares and her reasoning is pretty much 'Boo, I used to do this all the time. I wanted to recapture a moment in time when I was pioneering dance remixes'. No. You is doing dance remixes now because it's the only way you will push units of a single now. That, and your record label telling you that unless you do something to fix this mess, your next album is going the way of Angels' advocate - 'cos NO pop radio station is going to play the original version of "Triumflop". Mariah sounds so detached from the music on both remixes that I wonder how much involvement she had in them aside from sending mp3's of her vocals to the producers via wetransfer. Something she probabaly had Jermaine Dupri do for her, because we know Mariah don't know how to use no laptop. Mariah's once long term remixer David Morales is disgusted at these remixes. I don't get why Mariah didn't just record a dance / pop record from scratch LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE. I can't see how having 3 versions of one song in circulation is a good move. More so when they are all trashtastic.

Everything about "Triumflop (Get 'em)" is an absolute mess. The original version sounds as outdated as fuck and the dance remixes are awful. The production on each version of this flop seems to have been handled by a team of people who just didn't care and threw all attention to detail off a cliff. Nobody at any point seemed to realise that this song fundamentally has no strong structure to it, has a piss poor chorus and that Mariah's vocals are about as strong as her will to steer from a body con dress.

Any lambs who stan for this song should be mulesed with a kitchen fork.

RATING: 1 / 10