Random J(unk) Mail: 10.6.24 - This Is Me…Struggling

Don’t be fooled by the flops that I got.

Random J(unk) Mail is a weekly roundup of whatever the fuck. A collection of things that I was too lazy to make individual posts on. Or just small things that I didn’t think warranted a post, but I still wanted to share thoughts on. I’m gonna try to do this weekly. But those of you who have been here for a minute know my ass is lazy.

Another Random J(unk) Mail. Not weekly as I intended them to be. But truth is, sometimes I don’t have enough shit to talk about. Okay, that’s a lie. But another excuse is that I have been ill for most of May. So I have been doing nothing but drinking tea, sucking on honey and lemon cough drops and just watching things online. There has been minimal contact with keyboards. But now I’m back at it. Kind of. I guess.

So let’s get into it.

Hikaru Utada continues to swim in their Scrooge McDuck vault of Kingdom Hearts money

Teruzane don’t play no games when it comes to securing the bag for his child. He stays playing VR chess, whilst everybody else is playing checkers. So of course the re-recording of “Hikari” for Science Fiction was fully intentional to receive a suitcase of money from Square Enix. And therefore, of course there would also be a re-recording of “Simple & Clean” too. Many of us had speculated that perhaps the re-recording of “Hikari” would feature in something Kingdom Hearts related, but there was no way in hell that it would be for Kingdom Hearts 4. First of all, that game ain’t coming out until 2034, the earliest. Second of all, Kingdom Hearts 4 would not feature a re-recorded version of an old song as its main theme song. It would feature something completely new.

I’m not a fan of the re-recorded version of “Hikari” or “Simple & Clean”. Although I do feel that “Simple & Clean” works better with the new arrangement and that Hikaru sounds better vocally.

And in a bid to run his child some extra coin and YouTube views, a visualizer for the English version of Kingdom Hearts 3’s theme “Face My Fears” was recently made available on YouTube.

The Cannes of Iron First Tournament

The red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival was basically a Tekken stage, as folk fought it out in all manner of impractical outfits.

Child of Destiny Kelly Rowland was at Cannes (not for that horrendous Tyler Perry Netflix movie, surely?) and she got into a heated exchange with one of the Cannes staff on the red carpet. Nobody knows exactly what happened, as there’s no video which features audio of the exchange. But folk from CSI (Content on Social Investigators) have been lip-reading and trying to piece shit together, and it seems that the Cannes staff member was rushing Kelly up the stairs, being a bit too vocal and a bit too physical. And what should have been a regular, problem free saunter up a red carpet, ended with Kelly having somebody on her last nerve pointing her finger in that person’s face. Videos have since surfaced of this very same woman rushing Yoona from Girls Generation (why the fuck was she there!?) up the stairs. And then getting in an argument with Miss Dominican Republic 2007 turned actress Massiel Taveras, which ended with the Cannes staff member getting shoved. People have speculated that perhaps this woman has a problem with skin tones darker than the palm of her own hand, given that all three entrants of The Cannes of Iron Fist Tournament were women of colour.

Victor Chevalier needs to answer for this. Letting this shit happen on his home turf.

David LaChapelle shoots some terrible album covers

Megan Thee Stallion and Ice Spice both revealed their album covers. They are both terrible. They were both shot by David LaChapelle.

Before we get into this, lemme give you a quick rundown on who David LaChapelle is. He is a photographer, who got his big break as a teen, being hired by none other than Andy Warhol to be a photographer for his magazine, Interview. And when you see David LaChapelle’s portfolio, ‘Andy Warhol and Interview magazine’ explains a lot.

Through the years David had shot many celebrities, and in a lot of cases he delivered some of the most fun and creative photos of them. His work was often this merging of the real and the surreal. And he played around with ‘celebrity’. The beauty and the ugliness of it. The reverence and the destruction of it simultaneously. The ridiculousness of it and the place it has in the world. The Andy Warhol of it all, right?

Through the late 90s and early 2000s, LaChapelle was booked and extremely busy—shooting some of the biggest names in pop culture of the times. Dolly Parton, Tupac, Cher, Drew Barrymore, Madonna, Naomi Campbell, Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Kylie Minogue, Backstreet Boys, Cameron Diaz, Mariah Carey, NSYNC—just to name a few. But there was a period in the late 2000s where he worked less and less, which also coincided with the growth of the Internet, which also threatened the place of print, and this shift from established photographers to newer, ‘fresher’ talent. And LaChapelle got a little lost in this shuffle. He started popping up on the pop radar again over the past decade, notably shooting Travis Scott’s Astroworld cover in 2018, Lizzo for Rolling Stone in 2019 and Nicki Minaj’s pregnancy photos in 2020. All has been pretty quiet since then. But now he’s back. Loudly so. As he is responsible for two huge projects back to back: shooting the album covers for Megan Thee Stallion and Ice Spice’s Summer 2024 releases. And everybody is being very vocal about how much they do not like them.

Both album covers look absolutely hideous. But I predict we’re going to see David LaChapelle shooting a whole bunch of ugly covers over the course of the next year or so. All because he shot something for Megan and Isis, and that he is a known name. Shooting with somebody because they are a name over their recent resume is a very real thing. And a similar type of conversation was had very recently between Racho Omondi and Law Roach for Omondi’s podcast The Cutting Room Floor. The discussion turned to Zendaya being shot by famed Vogue photographer Annie Leibovitz. Omondi expressed that she would never trust Leibovitz to shoot her, off the back of her shoots with Simon Biles, Lupita Nyong’o and Viola Davis in which she had them looking terrible. And Twitter dragged Leibovitz for miles for how terrible she had them looking, shedding more light than Leibovitz grants dark skinned Black women—some white photographers just have no idea or care to have an idea on how to shoot dark skin. And Roach’s answer to why he chose Leibovitz to shoot Zendaya was that she’s ‘an icon’. And I feel this is what we’re seeing with Megan Thee Stallion and Ice Spice. They know David LaChapelle’s. He also famously shot Lil’ Kim’s Notorious K.I.M album cover and the image of her covered in the Louis Vuitton monogram. Lil’ Kim and Chapelle worked together throughout the run of The Notorious K.I.M. And Lil’ Kim is THE blueprint for a lot of women in rap, whether they’re aware of it or not. So between the name, his work with Lil’ Kim, and the amazing shoots he did in the late 90s, he was probably on a bucket list for Megan and Ice Spice. Irregardless of the fact that nothing he shot in the late 2000s onward looked that good, that his stuff began to look like AI art before AI art, and that he is not capable of delivering the way he used to.

To any artists reading this who are considering DM’ing LaChapelle to shoot their album covers, don’t. Just, don’t.

Beyoncé releases the ‘official’ Cowboy Carter vinyl, after that limited edition mess

So, months after those bootlegged looking-ass limited edition vinyls of Cowboy Carter, comes what is dubbed as the ‘official vinyl’.

Calling this official is interesting. It almost insinuates that them limited edition vinyls were in fact bootleg. Fitting, because that’s exactly how they looked.

When Renaissance was first released, the limited edition was a simple gatefold, without a booklet. But at least it had the official cover, images on the gatefolds and a tracklist printed on the back. The cowboy boot-leg Cowboy Carter vinyl was raggedy. It featured the ‘Beyincé’ cover and poster—nothing to do with Cowboy Carter. There was no printed mention of Cowboy Carter anywhere on the vinyl sleeve. It had no tracklist. It didn’t even feature all of the songs.

It seems apparent that Act ii may have originally been titled Beyincé, with the Cowboy Carter element of the album being a late addition at a point when the physical copies of Beyincé had already started to go into production. You would think that Rodeoncé and Parkwood of ALL people would plan their shit better. I don’t support shitty physical releases when the consumer is the one who loses out. Making people pay money for what is some rush-job version of a physical release is messy, after knowing these people paid hundreds of dollars to see you on tour, paid to see your film, and have also paid money for your hair care line—which is probably why Edgeyoncé knew she could sell those bootlegged ass copies of Beyincé.

It’s not cool. Everybody who bought that shit should be sent the official vinyl for free.

Hopefully Scamyoncé will release an ‘official’ version of the Cowboy Carter CD too, so I can actually buy it. Because I refuse to buy the raggedy ‘limited edition’ version which got the same treatment as the vinyl. I want the same shit I got with Renaissance: the actual album cover, an inlay booklet full of images and full song credits. So here’s to hoping.

The whole vinyl and physical edition situation is a problem across the board, with some artists putting out multiple editions and variants constantly. It’s a real mess. We are in a RECESSION. Don’t be playing fans with this bullshit. And it’s always the artists who so clearly do not need the money.

COVID outbreak in Chromatica

Lady Gaga released a film of her Chromatica tour, much to the delight of her fans, and also me, as I’d been wanting to check it out. And during a presser at an exclusive screening event, Lady Gaga shared that she contracted COVID during the tour and did five shows with it.

Now. I wanna make something clear. Touring is expensive, for EVERYBODY. It’s expensive for the artist. Cancelling is always an extreme last resort, because it loses them A LOT of money, even if they’re able to reschedule it. It’s also expensive for fans. Not only are tickets for shows to see artists of Lady Gaga’s level of popularity expensive, but some fans fly in for these shows. So cancellations put them massively out of pocket.

I get Lady Gaga not wanting to cancel five shows, but we are talking about COVID. A respiratory airborne virus, and your ass is about to do a two hour show where your mouth is constantly open around a bunch of people, in a venue where thousands of people are packed together in one space. It was negligent.

What happened was stupid. But what was even stupider, was Lady Gaga actually sharing this. She shoulda taken this to her Chromatican grave.

Lady Gaga may have thought she was showing a testament to her resilience and her fans, but she was showing negligence and putting out a really shitty message. Lady Gaga did a whole Netflix film which shared how badly she suffered from fibromyalgia, how debilitating it was for her and how difficult it was having to make commitments whilst her health was not at 100%. And she also cancelled 21 shows from her Born This Way Ball tour due to her hip. So for her to then sit on a stage and be like ‘I did five shows with COVID’ was a mess. And her fans are messy for ‘Yass queen’ing this reckless behaviour.

I guess fans should eat up Lady Gaga doing large scale tours while they can. Because I don’t think Lady Gaga is gonna be touring the way she used to for much longer.

Fujii Kaze releases a 10 song Best album, and Science Fiction wants to know why

Kaze Fujii has released a 10 track compilation album on Apple Music and Spotify, and I have no idea why.

I just don’t see the purpose of a standard Best album on platforms where there are already official playlists which have more songs than what feature on any Best album. The songs on this Best of Fujii Kaze 2000–2024 compilation aren’t mixed differently from the original releases, at least not from what I can hear. So it’s a strange choice to make. Especially in the wake of Hikaru Utada’s Science Fiction, which presents a standard for Best releases in this day and age of streaming—a standard which was pretty common back in the late 90s and early 2000s. So it’s weird to not see Japanese acts and record labels go back to it across the board.

HENNYWAY.

Kaze had done some sold out gigs in Los Angeles (Crystal Kay’s impact) and will be embarking on a national tour over the Summer. And I expect we’ll get a new song from him by the end of Summer and then at least one more as we head into the cold and dark embrace of Winter. And probably a third studio album before 2024 closes out.

This is Me…Flopping

I feel a little for Jennifer Lopez, because a bitch has been getting whacked all year.

This Is Me…Now, flopped. This Is Me…On Amazon Basics, got panned. This Is Me…On Amazon Basics: The Documentary got dragged. This Is Me…In a Robot on Netflix, got shit reviews. Ticket sales for This Is Me…In a Silver and Flesh Coloured Bodysuit were so bad that she ended up cancelling the whole thing. And now there’s talks of This Is Me…Getting Divorced.

Jennifer Lopez’s legacy is unfortunately going to be how much she flopped and was the butt of jokes at this point, and it’s unfortunate. ‘I don’t know her’ alone was bad enough. But the Internet has not let up on Jennifer and her inner child running up and down the block ever since. And whilst I cannot imagine how shit that must feel, I do think that Jennifer Lopez has made some really bad decisions over the course of her life and career which have led her to this point.

People should be given the grace to make mistakes. But after decades in the game, Jennifer should know better. And her recent string of choices was Jennifer just flying in the face of clear disaster.

This Is Me…On Amazon Basics was just not good. And because of how badly it was received, This Is Me…Now got completely Glitter’d. And it’s a shame, because the album was good. Had Jennifer just released the five music videos that are in the film as separate music videos for singles over the course of six months, I think her album would have been far better received, and she would have been applauded for releasing big budget music videos at a time when they just aren’t as common as they used to be. And she would have been on the crest of a wave where music videos are BACK back. This strategy would have really helped remind people of the earlier days of Jennifer Lopez, when she was in the public’s good graces. And without This Is Me…On Amazon Basics, everything would not have solely been about her relationship with Daredevil.

In the case of This Is Me…In a Silver and Flesh Coloured Bodysuit, Jennifer Lopez drank too much of her own orange drink. Yes, she co-headlined the Super Bowl in 2020 and headlined her own tour the year before—but she is not a Beyoncé. No matter how much she may think she is. She can’t just announce some big-ass arena tour in 2024, almost five years after her last tour, and expect it to sell out. Especially when—despite everybody acknowledging that Jennifer is a solid performer—she is not a performer who is considered a must-see far beyond her fanbase, the same way in which Beyoncé is. And Jennifer doesn’t have anywhere near as large or as dedicated a fanbase to fill those arena seats. Jennifer would have been far better off booking smaller, more moderate venues. She may see herself as being too big for smaller venues and feel a type of shame and way about going that route. But now look. She tried to book arenas, couldn’t sell enough tickets and now she’s had to cancel a whole tour. Now there is word of This Is Me…Divorced!?

Girl.

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So. What’s the lesson in this week’s Random J(unk) Mail?

Jennifer Lopez is the lesson. Believe in yourself. Always. But be realistic. Don’t get so caught up in how you see yourself and the desire for the world to see you the same way, that you become detached from how others actually see you and why. Don’t shit on Virgo’s for being Virgo’s. Always tip well if you can. Leave the block alone. And Ayo Edebiri was correct.

Have a non-miserable day.
?J