Random J(unk) Mail: 30.4.23 - Anklebreak Anniversary

Fell asleep on the couch. I thought we were goin’ out? I WANNA KNOW. Were yo’ ankles broke!?

Random J(unk) Mail is a weekly roundup of whatever the fuck. A collection of things that I was too lazy to make individual posts on. Or just small things that I didn’t think warranted a post, but I still wanted to share thoughts on. I’m gonna try to do this weekly. But those of you who have been here for a minute know my ass is lazy.

I said I was gonna do these posts frequently, and yet almost 6 months had gone by without them. I am raggedy. I know. But Random J(unk) mail is back. For now. So let’s sift through some mess together.

Kyary is married

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu got married y’all. Yep. Nobody (me) didn’t even know a bitch was seeing anybody, WHICH IS GREAT. This intrusiveness and game of Guess Who? when it comes to who is dating who in the world of celebrities and public figures is really bizarre. But we can talk about Pussy Pam’s husband in this context, given that she announced her marriage to him and fully disclosed who he was. AND he is also a public figure himself.

Pussy Prenup’s husband is Shono Hayama, who most will probably recognise as one of the commentators from Terrace House. I’m not sure if he was on every season of the show, but he was definitely on Opening New Doors, the one season I watched. Shono was the youngest of the commentators, and you often forgot he was there, because he barely gets camera time and barely says anything. I honestly think they only cast him to draw in younger audiences of women.

I’m genuinely surprised that Kyary Pamatrimony’s marriage announcement didn’t come with a song, given that her music has always chronicled milestone events of her life. But maybe we’ll get something later. Nakata’s just trying to find the words, and he know he struggles with those lately - with all these half-written songs he keeps putting out.

Frank Ocean’s ankles

So, Frank Ocean was set to appear at Coachella, much to the delight of his dedicated fans, who have been losing it over a lack of an album and performances since 2016’s Blond(e). Just for this man to do a set which started over an hour late. A set which did NOT go down well with fans. To say that Frank got dragged would be an understatement. And it’s unfortunate. Because what fans were hoping would be a joyous return for Frank, became a disaster where fans now feel disrespected and people are wondering how Frank’s been able to get away with foolishness for this long.

You’d think the best way to mitigate this would be to come back for the second weekend, stronger than ever. Maybe release a digital single as a token of appreciation to fans. But, nope. Not in Frank’s book. Because he turned around and pulled out of the second weekend of Coachella. Word is that Frank had an accident that hurt his ankle. But that dude was sat down for pretty much his entire set anyway. So, could he not…do the same again? Beyoncé was allegedly recovering from foot surgery, and that bitch was still going up and down on platforms in Dubai like Super Mario in World 6-1 for her performance. Michael Jackson performed “Remember the Time” sat in a damn chair at the 1993 Soul Train Awards due to a foot injury.

I know, I know. We never know what somebody is going through. And we shouldn’t always compare. But looking at as much of the picture as we’re able to see, it really does feel like Frank never wanted to do Coachella in the first place, and that him pulling out of the second weekend is a combination of this, and that he caught wind of what everybody thought of his first weekend performance.

We’re starting to see that more and more of the acts that have come up since the advent of social media (even dating back to the myspace days) are really struggling with the concept of being pop stars. We’ve seen Summer Walker struggle with it. SZA struggle with it. And Frank Ocean seems to be in the same boat. I’m all for acts doing what feels comfortable and right for them. But there also has to be an awareness of your own limits and what you can realistically commit to. Because signing up to do a gig, knowing that people have made commitments to come and see YOU, and then turning around to spit in their faces by cancelling the gig days before? I mean, I’m sure there are Frank Ocean fans who would love for him to spit in their face. But that’s a whole other post for after midnight.

I don’t think Frank is not built for this pop star shit. And whilst withholding his music and being elusive worked for a minute, I think that this matched with the image he’s building for himself as being difficult and indecisive is now starting to create problems. Even his fans are starting to get tired. If Frank is so reluctant to release music and perform, then he should just retire from music, and sell his luxury cock rings. Or just write for other artists, so he can still share his art in music form, without having to be the face of it. But whatever his decision, his fans should feel like they’re being punished.

Kumi Koda the influencer

Kumi has been living the influencer life for a minute, and I’m here for it. Whatever keeps her busy from constantly releasing singles, I’m in full support of. Let people miss you a lil’ bit. She’s long past the point of being forgotten because she didn’t release something for 6 months to a year.

Kumi hit up Los Angeles to attend one of them Wrestlemanias. You’d probably think that she went because of her son. But nope. She just likes WWE. And I get why more and more pop stars dig it, because it’s all performance, spectacle and high production on such a huge scale - like a concert. Kumi Koda has also now launched her app, which may be why it seems that she’s more active in chronicling her adventures than usual pon di Insta - ‘cos she’s gotta create ‘content’ and then some for the app innit. I tried to warn a bitch about this. She’s gonna regret launching that thing, because the upkeep is gonna be nasty.


BoA and the allegations

For YEARS fans have joked about BoA being part of the LGBTKWANGYA+, between things she’s said, looks she’s given other women in videos, comments she’s made, and things she’s worn. And BoA’s latest set of photos posted to her Instagram where she’s looking a whole stud are ‘not beating the allegations’ as the kids say.

Seriously though, this is all in jest. And all of the comments I’ve come across in regard to the ‘is she or isn’t she’ of it all have always been supportive and in good nature. Young B.O.A’s sexuality or how she identifies is nobody’s business. But trust if she were to ever were to come out, fans would rally around her and immediately claim her as their LGBTIDPEACEB+ icon. And I hope that IF BoA Griner were to ever come out, that she has people in her immediate life who would support her. There is definitely something to be said about queer representation in K-pop or the lack-thereof. And it’s a real murky situation, given the queer baiting it does, the fluidity of how men are often presented in it and more besides. But that’s a whole over post.


The Victoria Monaissance

Victoria Monét is now signed to a major record label, recently headlined her first ever show, is promoting her single “Smoke” heavily in all manner of cool and creative ways. And as a result, more and more people are starting to see what the fuss we’ve been making for years is finally about. Victoria sang her ass off, danced her ass off, did all the things to show why she is one to watch and keep an eye on. There are no professional videos of the entire gig YET. But hopefully Victoria’s team did film the entire show, and we’ll get to see something of it at some point. The show was in partnership with Spotify, so if Victoria’s team didn’t film anything, then Spotify certainly would have. So maybe we’ll get something exclusively on there, similar to what we got with Hikaru Utada’s music video for “Somewhere Near Marseille”.

As for a new album, Victoria has said that there will be a Jaguar Part 2. Whether this will stick as the title, I do not know. But sonically, everything post Jaguar has sounded like an extension of Jaguar in some form, so the title would make sense. Hopefully it will be a full length album. But if it does end up being another EP (because let’s face it, that’s what Jaguar was), Victoria should definitely make it an LP by including songs from the original Jaguar, because that whole thing deserves another shot at reaching the masses and making a dent on a chart.


Ayumi Hamasaki has not retired

This photo tickled me, because I thought the person on the left’s T-shirt read ‘95th anniversary’. Trust Ayu will keep going until her 95th anniversary if she can. She will put on a red muumuu, have red tulle fabric draped over the back of her wheelchair and make somebody wheel her down a ramp to “Moments” no matter what.

So, the whole 25th anniversary announcement which had the fans talking was not a retirement as some had suspected. It seemed to be an announcement of Ayu being the face of a 109 campaign. You know you’ve made it in Japan when your face is plastered on one of many billboards at Shibuya Crossing or you are the face of a 109 campaign. Ayu hasn’t done a great deal of large scale campaigns in a while. But back in her heyday, she a regular face you’d see on billboards in Shibuya - so there’s a real nostalgia factor to her face being in the area so prominently again. The campaign shot features Ayuana Grande in a leopard print outfit. My initial reaction was ‘Oh, is this a throwback to Duty? Or at a stretch...maybe Guilty?’. But nope. Ayu just felt like wearing some leopard print. It really is a shame that this 25th anniversary deal isn’t more retrospective. Ayu being retrospective and making people remember her old shit is the way for her to go now, because her newer music just isn’t hitting. It’s been years of mediocre music releases, speculation about her marriages, her children, alleged drama within her camp, iffy live performances, what she’s had done to her face - all the focus seems to be on things other than her actual music career. The thing that made her a household name.

But nothing Ayu is doing these days really makes sense.

Having Ayu release a studio album a mere few months out from her 25th anniversary was a bizzare move. Especially considering that Ayu did absolutely no promotion for it. Only for her to then announce her 25th anniversary weeks later, which she HAS been heavily promoting. Ayu has been hitting up TV shows and doing public appearances with a frequency of which I have not seen her do in YEARS. I don’t get why she didn’t just release a Best album, with “Nonfiction”, “Summer Again” and “Mask” being new songs on it. I think the reception to these songs may have gone over more favourably if people knew they were for a retrospective Best album. Remember Me would’ve even been a good title for it, with Remember You being the title for the fan edition or a remix variant. But here we are. Neither Ayu nor Avex have any idea what they are doing, and it’s a shame. Namie knew exactly what was up when she started Prison Breaking her way outta Avex.


When Crystal Kay met Babyface

There was a fashion event in Los Angeles. Crystal Kay was there. Grammy award winning singer, songwriter, record label owner, etc. Babyface also happened to be there. She took photos with Babyface like a fan (as most people would). And I’m betting that Kenneth had no idea that the woman in the photo with him was a signed recording artist with a decade-long career, who can actually sing, is fully aware of who he is, and would sound really fucking good singing a song of his. Events like these may not be the best place to approach somebody and be like ‘Here’s my mixtape’. And I’m sure after years of people pitching themselves to him at every given opportunity, that Babyface is not only tired of it happening, but disregards every instance; because everybody is a damn singer who wants to be signed for the sake of becoming famous.

But I would like to think that maybe Crystal and her team could have finessed some type of plan or approach for Babyface to be aware of Crystal genuinely being a singer who is already signed to a major label and is of the kind of talent that would attract him. Crystal and her team don’t really seem to have hustle mentality when it comes to seizing opportunities, something Crystal herself had said. But that’s gotta change. Because now Crystal has been in the presence of Robert Glasper, Thundercat, Pharrell Williams and now Babyface, and nothing has come of any of this. CL would never.

Gurl, fire the whole management and marketing team.

And for those wondering ‘Harpo, who dis woman?’ in the photo with Crystal Kay and Babyface, I believe that it’s his partner.

So, what is the theme of this instalment of Random J(unk) mail? Get money bitch. For real. Get that money. You see the prices of eggs and milk out here in these streets? It’s why Frank played himself by bowing out of Coachella. Turning down a bag in this economy is a madness. An economy so bad that even Beyoncé had to hobble over to Dubai to perform for the opening of a hotel, and make out that her gay as hell album about her mirror ball coochie didn’t exist.

Chile.

?J