Hikaru Utada's Laughter in the dark: Searching for answers and a wig

As much as a piece of shit as I can be, and much like Marie Kondo, I love a bit of mess; believe it or not, I generally try to steer clear of any form of drama. But there have been occasions where I've found myself in it for rating an album badly or saying that a performance is bad. The latter being the case when I first started seeing fan videos of Hikaru Utada on her Laughter in the dark tour. I was very vocal about the fact that she sounded bad in each of these videos. Then my replies became a mess. I'm a hater because I said something negative about the beloved Hikaru Utada and I'm not a real fan. because if I was, I wouldn't have said anything bad about her.

O, the joys of people on the Internet.

Despite these videos leaving a sour taste in my mouth, I still wanted to see the whole gig, professionally shot and with clean live vocals. And I wouldn't go as far as to say I was even disappointed. When all was said and done, it was a reminder that behind all of the success, the records, the legacy and the history that Hikaru Utada had made in her teens; she is still just a human being who has off days. But more than that, Hikaru doesn't see herself as we see her, and doesn't hold herself to the same standards that we do as her fans.



Laughter in the dark is a fitting name for a tour at this point in Hikaru Utada's career. An artist who once couldn't help but be seen and eventually made a career out of striking album cover shoots and music videos, who ended up at a point where all she wanted was to be not seen at all. She exiled herself from music, the public eye and called another country home. To then return after almost 8 years with songs that had music videos void of her appearance and a comeback album that had her out of focus on its album cover. So, Hikaru touring for the first time in 9 years with a title like Laughter in the dark is poignant. It captures her completely.

Despite being such a force and one of the most well known figures within J-Pop, Hikaru Utada has not always been very present in it. Hikaru doesn't release musical regularly and takes her sweet time in-between albums - in comparison to the likes of Kumi Koda and Ayumi Hamasaki, who have put out twice as many studio albums as her, despite being active for approximately the same amount of time (3 years less in Kumi Koda's case). Her promo is considerably lighter than that of her peers. And despite being in the music business for two decades, you can count how many tours she's done on one hand. Hikaru is a seasoned artist, but still lacks the experience of artists who have toured more extensively and been on the J-Pop grind that she's avoided since the very beginning. Hikaru being managed by her father has protected her from a lot, for better and for worse. Hikaru has always been able to do things at her own pace, but has always struggled to navigate her way through life as an artist, a daughter, a wife and now a mother - which is not unorthodox and extremely normal. But watching Laughter of the dark felt like all of these things coming full circle and seeing Hikaru Utada for who she is. Somebody who is just trying to find her place and make sense of things.

Laughter in the dark is a celebration of an artist who in the midst of uncertainty and trying to find herself, has always given us consistent quality in her music. But it's also a person facing many of her own insecurities and fears.

No matter how we may feel about Hikaru's personal life decisions or even some of her career choices, the one constant since the very beginning is that she cares deeply about her music. Sometimes overthinking it to the point of driving herself crazy and tying her own thoughts in knots. There's a certain expectation that you have of not just her studio albums, but her live performances too; because she's known to completely flip the arrangements of her songs. And given that she doesn't tour often, these feel all the more special. My wig is still in a state of ascension as a result of Hikaru's arrangements of "Colors" and "Letters" from her Wild life tour in 2010. And whilst there are no renditions of songs as drastically different to their original counterparts as these, there are re-arrangements of songs we know and love, and they all sound great. Some of the mixes and transitions on this tour were amazing and shouldn't have worked at all, but somehow did. Did you ever think that "Traveling" could transition into "Colors"? Nope. Me neither bitch. But Hikaru did it. "Hikari" sounded absolutely gorgeous, incorporating the orchestrated version of the song that many Kingdom Hearts fans adore.



When I heard "Can you keep a secret?" being mashed up into "Kiss and cry", my wig levitated. Hikaru Utada always finds small ways to take songs and transform them live. "Sakura drops" seemed pretty standard, until Hikaru hopped onto a keyboard during the refrain and added 80s synths to the mix, giving the song an entirely new vibe. The same goes for "Too proud". It started off as normal, per the album version, and then Hikaru Utada started rapping. I had to press pause and take a minute. 'Do I need a rap album from a bitch?'

Hikaru re-arranging her songs almost feels as though she's reconciling with herself at the point in time she had originally recorded them, and deciding to take them on as she is now. She re-worked songs around the artist she has become, as opposed to trying to fit into the song as it was or as we have always known it. As a result of this, Hikaru breathes new life into her older songs. Hikaru singing "First love" now as a mother and having been a wife, gives the song a completely different energy to hearing her sing it as a 16 year old girl.

Hikaru Utada has always been wholly unwavering in a business which has continually shifted, but stayed firm on its expectations of women. This is not an attack on the female pop stars who do conform to this standard. But it's not who Hikaru Utada is. Laughter in the dark is a very considered show. There was a lot of room for it go in all manner of directions, but it didn't. The mix between grandiosity and simplicity sums up Hikaru Utada's approach to her music and her career as a whole. The same even goes for her attire. Most pop stars have a plethora of costume changes. Hikaru Utada is like 'Fuck that shit' and gives us three. Her first look is simple ass jumpsuit. Her second is a dress, of a style which has become almost signature for Hikaru at this point; being asymmetrical and sporting a design which I can only describe as looking like it's trying to grow around her. The third is just a T-shirt and a pair of pants. Hikaru is uncertain of many things in her life, but she at least knows what she likes style wise. Her looks are true to who she is. She isn't trying to be anybody or anything else but who she knows herself to be.

But that's not to say that this tour is without spectacle. One thing that I don't think Hikaru Utada gets enough credit for is her videography. Hikaru has delivered some amazing music videos over the years, which tend to get overlooked. But watching her Laughter in the dark performance brought it home. Shooting live performances is an art form and requires as much direction as shooting a movie or a music video. You don't realise how crucial and integral great directing is of a live performance until you watch one shot well and one shot badly. Laughter in the dark is beautiful to watch. Complete synergy between the lighting, the stage setup and the framing of shots. Now, I don't know how well the lighting and the stage looked in person for those in attendance, but it looks gorgeous committed to screen. The cinematography manages to capture the grandiosity of the stage, but also the intimacy of it. When Hikaru is performing "Traveling" and "Play a love song" it feels like a party. Quick cuts, long shots and the presence of the attendees, who are far more hyped than I ever expected for a Japanese crowd. But when she performs "Hatsukoi" and "Hanatana wo kimi ni" it's as though Hikaru is the only person there. The cinematic contrast and the way it captures the sentiment of each song is artistic as fuck. You can tell that her team went about the stage design, the lighting and how the show would be shot collectively. Because everything is so well complimented and considered.

What has always separated Hikaru Utada from other artists is her intent behind why she even still does what does. Some performers take their tours and heavily curate the whole thing to almost dictate what the audience feels. Hikaru just goes on stage and feels her way through it. The way she goes about performing is almost selfish in a way, because she's going on what moves and motivates her. Laughter in the dark didn't seem like a tour that was done out of a contractual obligation or because she missed the experience of performing in large scale venues. It felt like a challenge to herself to see if she could still do it and enjoy it. Hikaru Utada left music to find answers, only to find that she had to return to it to find them, and Laughter in the dark feels like another step toward finding them and also herself.

When Hikaru walked off the stage during the encore of "Goodbye happiness" I wasn't filled with confidence that Hikaru would do music forever or that she'd release an album every 2 to 3 years. But I'm long past the point of wanting this from her. As a fan, of course I'd love for her to release music on a semi regular basis and tour each album. But I also want her to be happy and only do what she feels fulfils her creatively. It seems that Hikaru is still figuring all of this out before our eyes and I'm grateful to her for that. Because her musical integrity and honesty in everything she does is why I'm a fan, and why I'll support her whether she releases another album or not. Or whether she decides to tour in two years time, or if Laughter in the dark is her last.

As somebody who has often felt lost and is still on a journey of discovery of where they fit in this world, it's inspiring to see somebody with so much success still doing the same. And that somebody can deliver something so remarkable, but still seem so unfazed and unimpressed. Hikaru Utada is hard on herself. It's probably part of the reason why she's never seemed so hungry for sales or tried to really be anything in particular in the eyes of the record buying public. Our critiques and dissections of what she does pale in comparison to when she does it to herself. You could often see the cogs turning in her head on stage. Questions being asked internally. Hikaru has always been open through her music, but there's still a barrier that she puts up. But on stage, there was no barrier and we got to see the woman behind the reluctant megastar.



The thing that continues to astound me as a Hikaru Utada fan is that she really has no idea of just how big she is as an artist, and just how much she means to her fans. During moments of songs where she got a breather, Hikaru was wearing a look as though she couldn't believe that she was on stage, and during "Goodbye happiness" there was a moment where the magnitude of her return to the stage and the fact that she packed out a large scale venue finally seemed to hit her.

Even after 20 years, Hikaru Utada is still on a journey to find answers. And if she chooses to do so and bring us along for the ride, then I'm there.

For an artist who has given so much, but at the same time shown so little, Laughter in the dark was incredibly candid. From a technical standpoint, the show was great. But the cherry on top was  Laughter in the dark being a live representation of what Hikaru has always given in her music since day one. Heart and honesty. And this is what made it such a good show.