Random J(unk) Mail: 20.11.22 - All I want for Christmas is for Tetsuya Komuro to hang up that wig

Coronavirus is in the air again.

Random J(unk) Mail is a weekly roundup of whatever the fuck. A collection of things that I was too lazy to make individual posts on. Or just small things that I didn’t think warranted a post, but I still wanted to share thoughts on. I’m gonna try to do this weekly. But those of you who have been here for a minute know my ass is lazy.

I didn’t do one of these last week.

Why?

Because I forgot. And I was lazy.

HENNYWAY.

The Avex wig retirement package
The Banshee of J-pop that is Ayumi Hamsaki released a new song this week, and it’s terrible. I will be writing a review of it. But this right now isn’t about Ayu. This is about the producer of her song, Tetsuya Komuro. Because it is officially time for him to hang up that Martha Stewart wig, and call it a day.

I respect that power of love and the legacy Tetsuya has built. He chased the chance and helped define an entire era of J-pop. Some (not me) would even say that he made Namie Amuro. But after Namie told Tetsuya that she would no longer be requiring his services, the appeal of Tetsuya’s sound and its impact on the charts started to wane. It’s easy to chalk up Tetsuya’s commercial decline to the trend shift which was occurring across music globally in 2000. But the truth is that Tetsuya’s songs never evolved. The songs he was handing out in 2001 were the same songs he was handing out in 1992. This worked for a while with Ami Suzuki, whose image was doing a lot of heavy lifting. But in the long run, Tetsuya was setting himself up to become eclipsed by up and coming producers, and the OG’s who were still hungry and moved with the times. Tetsuya got left behind, and his hits dried up like his wig.

I want to share this comment I found on Tetsuya Komuro’s discogs.com page, which I feel summarises how I similarly feel about Tetsuya’s music.



The only reason Tetsuya got away with Namie’s “How Do You Feel Now?” in 2017, is because Namie already had her Uber ready to leave her career, and the nostalgia factor of her working with Komuro again. But we all knew that song was doo-doo. Even Namie knew the song was doo-doo. But she didn’t care. The Uber was outside, and the NTT Docomo cheque had already cleared.

Tetsuya should hang up the wig. It is time. Unless of course he can’t, because he needs that Avex income to pay for Keiko’s alimony. In which case, Tetsuya’s gonna stay working until there is nothing left but the wig cap. And this leaves zero hope of Ayu’s music getting any better, seeing as he’s become her go to producer now.



Mariah is back to collect her annual Christmas cheque
Mariah Carey is doing another Christmas special this year. Only this time she’s taking CBS’ money instead of Apple’s. That Apple Christmas special last year was fucking terrible. And it’s a shame, because the whole art deco look was great, and very much in keeping with the vibe of Mariah’s second Christmas album. The album that’s really good, better than the first, and has a song which could easily be as popular as “All I Want for Christmas Is You”, but nobody other than me seems to care about. Mariah better start paying Merry Christmas II You some damn respect before the plate drops.

I am in full support of Mariah receiving money for Christmas specials every single year until the Makro reactor explodes. But I do wish that networks would pitch something different to Mariah, and that she was open to doing more than just standing on a stage in a red Dolce & Gabbana gown and croaking through “All I Want for Christmas Is Money”.

I’d really like a Behind the Merry Christmas documentary, where Mariah walks through each of her original Christmas songs, how they came about, the process of recording them, and how she and her team went about picking which songs to cover. Mariah is often asked about how “All I Want for Christmas Is Nick Cannon to Stop Nutting” came about, as though it is the only original Christmas song that she’s written. Mariah has written and recorded 6 other original Christmas songs, all of which are good, and 2 of which are amazing and deserving of a shot at becoming a part of the holiday lexicon.

I will NEVER stop campaigning for “Christmas Time Is in the Air Again” until it is the hit it deserves to be.

In other Moneyriah news, she wasn’t able to trademark Queen of Christmas, to the surprise of nobody. She shoulda spent that time and effort getting Black Irish released in Europe. I’m still waiting to be able to sit on my chaise lounge and sip salted caramel Irish cream as the instrumental of “Circles” plays in the background.

Ticketmaster might be going to prison
So, Ticketmaster are about to be investigated by the feds after a fiasco which occurred when tickets for Taylor Swift’s Scooter Braun Albums Tour went on pre-sale. The short of it as to ‘why’, is that all of the pre-sale tickets got snatched up, which resulted in Ticketmaster having to cancel the general sale. The math immediately didn’t math, because how did ALL of the tickets sell out, when pre-sale is supposed to be for a set allocated amount of tickets and not ALL of the tickets?

Exactly.

It’s tea time, and everybody agrees that Ticketmaster are some scamming types-of-bitches.

Swiftie’s went ballistic online. I’m sure whoever was manning Ticketmaster’s Twitter account was in a toilet cubicle crying the whole entire day, and that the web team all got blamed for something that senior management at Ticketmaster knew full-well wasn’t their fault. So, I guess it turns out that Ticketmaster is being run how Twitter is at the moment. Or rather, it always was. Because Ticketmaster has a documented history going back decade of pulling stunts over tickets, which always leaves fans distraught and / or out of pocket.

Whilst Ticketmaster have managed to get away with their bullshit scot-free in the past, Ticketmaster could end up facing [Turns and looks directly into the camera] the music, because they messed with the wrong ones. Swifties who didn’t manage to get tickets will not rest until Ticketmaster are thrown in the back of a van in orange jumpsuits.

The monopolisation that Ticketmaster has on the gig ticket market has long been a legal concern. But this mess with Taylor Swift could be the one thing to actually have something done about it. As we have seen in the past, anything involving Taylor Swift moves needles.

But there doesn’t seem to be anything that Taylor Swift or her team are actively doing to fix the situation; which in their defence, can’t be fixed. Because the tickets are gone girl. The most Taylor could do is hold additional shows, but that doesn’t fix the problem of fans having a fair shot at getting tickets.

Taylor Swift hopped on Instagram to post her Midnights Helvetica themed story, which was two paragraphs of ‘If I could invite you over to my house and play a gig for you, I would. But, no. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I’ll see you when I see you…I guess’.

I have said numerous times over the years that Ticketmaster ain’t shit, after I experienced this ticket foolery for Hikaru Utada’s In the Flesh tour. I bought a ticket. Only to then be told days later ‘Oh no. We oversold tickets. So you will not be going to see [VALUE=%ARTIST]. Click here to see other shows you can go to.’ I have not bought a single ticket from them since, and I refuse to.

The BeyHive is already buzzing that this fiasco will absolutely be repeated when Beyonce’s Renaissance tour tickets go on sale. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will not be going on that tour, between how fervent the Hive are for Beyoncé anything, knowing Ticketmaster ain’t shit, and my refusal to give them money for anything.

If where you are is getting as cold as it is here in the UK, start wrapping up. I’m already in my hats and gloves. Y’all still wearing T-shirts and shorts are different. I’m also upping my mask wearing. Because not only are people still nasty in these streets, where COVID is still livin’ it up, but masks helps keep my face warm too.

Have a non-miserable day.
?J